Impermanent Things

It’s late, about 12:30am on an early Wednesday morning. I’m restless, unable to settle myself in for the evening. Music, stretching, meditation, some reading and prayer are my night time rituals, usually done when my family is sleeping and I have some alone time in the house. However, none of these feel sufficient enough to end the day for me tonight. I asked the Universe to help me understand what it is that I am looking for in this moment. And I am pulled to this page and feeling a strong urge to write..

So here I am…my soul needing expression, the spirit moving me to bring my longings, questions and revelations once again, and to work the writer’s process. I feel moved to share the many small and sacred experiences that have come in the last couple of days, leaving me very emotional, sometimes tearful, but spiritually busted wide open. I’ve cried a lot, but not from a place of sorrow or fear. These tears are shed from a deep place of mystery within me. I feel like a soft, cool rain has cleansed me, offering me a sense of newness as I journey forth in the spirit of allowing the life that awaits me, even as it differs from the one I had hoped to have.

So much has happened since my last post in September. I’m feeling gratitude for life, the chapters in it, and this amazing gift of desire to rewrite my story from a more truthful place. I can humbly sit by the broken ruins of certain relationships, knowing I’ve participated in the damage and be ready to bear witness to the pain this may have caused. I can offer up my desire for reconciliation, knowing that it may not be reciprocated, as I’ve come to accept that people may have a strong need to see things, people or situations in certain ways. The power of story, ours and theirs, even taken in the context of the same event, can be processed and deemed wildly different. People are experiencing their life from their unique reality and worldview, and if we argue about who is right, we’ll always be at odds. I would rather be at peace, which then requires me to give up the need to be right.  And that’s okay! It’s times like these that remind me that the Universe has not given up on any of us. If it is true that the Universe is always conspiring on our own best behalf, then we must trust the Universe’s timing, as well…and keep our focus on what we are being called to do…and on that piece only! So, I pray for peace and ask for patience as the process works and the Universe orchestrates.

I was recently diagnosed with Follicular Lymphoma, a white blood cell cancer. It’s my second bout of cancer, my first being an appendix cancer back in 2004. I survived that ordeal and it looks really good that things will go just as well this time. I’m handling the treatments very well, which are a combination of chemotherapy and antibody treatment, and trying to maintain as much normal as possible.I’ve had two treatments thus far, and have 4 more to go over the course of the next 5 months. In the process of wrapping my head around this, I find myself living more intentionally, mindfully, staying present in the moment and not getting too far ahead of myself. The experience has humbled me, forced me to keep my attention on the most important things, and seeing the small, sacred acts that are occurring all around me. Little things…a smile from a stranger, noticing someone, being fully present, sharing how much I love and adore my family and friends, helping others in need. These are powerful, sacred acts of love that carry with them such great rates of returns.

So, with all of this said, I wish for you trust in the Universal timing of everything in your life. May you practice patience and gratitude and trust in the higher order working of things. The most happiest people are those able to manage fear and keep their energy and focus in the “now”. They stay in the present moment and they live vulnerably. It is a radical and vulnerable act to love, expose feelings and risk involvement with others…keep doing it! It hurts sometimes and It’s so worth it! Finally, embrace it all…the good and the not-so-good. They all hold promise and possibility, even when the assignment of suffering arrives and you are reminded of how impermanent most things really are…

These are my wishes for you…I guess they are my wishes for me, too! And just what I needed to hear so I can finally close out this day. Have a good sleep, everyone!

Namaste’